Untitled

I hope I don’t disappoint on the hilarity. Comedy isn’t my strongest point

At first, Nathan thought the man in the grey suit and glasses was a total fag. Guy just kept looking at him. It was getting to be totally creepy and unless it involved a microphone and a sold out stadium, Nathan despised speaking in front of other people.

Two beers later and the guy was still watching so he turned to his band for guidance.

The situation filled him with very little confidence.

Murderface’s trousers were sporting a rapidly growing stain on the front. Magnus Hammerstorm was AWOL, having been hauled away by the cops before they’d gotten to the bar. Skwisgaar was talking to two women with blue in their hair and sagging tits that Nathan wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole.

Pickles was….well, living up to his name. That was metal but it wasn’t helping Nathan.

He got up and stormed over to the suit guy.

“Hey um. Stop staring. It’s fucking creepy…and you look like a total fag you know.”

The suit man raised an eyebrow. “I was just trying to decide how to fix your problem. However if you don’t want the help of a fag, I guess I tried.”

“Uhhh. Um. Uh. wait.” Nathan spluttered. “Guess you can help us. Yeah. It’d be cool um…’

“Charles. Charles Offdensen.”

“Sure okay.”

“Get you a drink?”

“Sure.”

Nathan put a hand on Charles’ shoulder to steer him towards the bar. It totally wasn’t gay or anything.

Anonymous asked: Portal, Wreck-It Ralph and Metalocalypse

In order then:

Portal

1. The first character I first fell in love with: Doug Rattmann. I found him easily the most relatable character. Increased with Portal 2. I actually imagine he’s not a particularly pleasant man but his connection to the plot would have been minimal had he not helped Chell in the comic. I liked the idea of him straight from the get-go, this painter who wasn’t brave enough to help Chell himself but kind of er….Sistene Chapeled Chell’s adventures.
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: GLaDOS No, it took me awhile to love her. I think how sweet Ellen McLean is helped. If you met my mother, you’d understand why it’s hard for me to love GLaDOS. Caroline also helped.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don’t Hard…but,  I guess I never quite like the cores the way everyone else does. Not that I don’t like them. I just want to do my own take on them. 
4. The character I love that everyone else hates I’m not sure most people share my love for Doug Rattmann. 
5. The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Err, I guess my love for the Space Core has drifted off from its initial giddy giggling.
6. The character I would totally smooch I’d say Rattmann but no way I’d kiss that beard. Wheatley. He’d be fun to kiss. …actually….I’d put on red lipstick for the sole purpose of leaving lipstick prints all over his hull. Also, GLaDOS. GLaDOS would look LOVELY with a big lipstick print.
7. The character I’d want to be like Can we say Chell? That is one tough as nails lady. 
8. The character I’d slap - Cave, I think. I think that was Caroline’s one weakness. If she’d just wound up when he suggested moon rocks, she maybe had a hope of getting through.
9. A pairing that I love: One-sided Chelly or ChellDOS I think it’s very interesting to watch someone as proud as GLaDOS or as thoughtlessly weak as Wheatley try to make things up to a woman they put through the wringer in different ways.
10. A pairing that I despise This is SUPER hard because I like a lot of pairings….and ‘despising’ them would imply I have very strong feelings here. I’m going to give you all a very convoluted answer. Caveline and Chelley. The reason I say these is because I’m kind of picky about them. With Chelley the pet peeve is her forgiving Wheatley. i like the pairing but I get frustrated when she forgives him quickly. It’s one thing if the story is a pwp sex romp but I require my Chelley to have a long, drawn out grudge. Caveline - I have to see that there was a difference between Cave pre-moonrock batshit and Cave post moonrock batshit. Really I think he’s a product of his time and was always going to be a little bit of a jerk but I think too he probably wasn’t a total sexist ass. Also anything where Caroline is portrayed as an idiot secretary. I imagine the girl was harangued a fair bit and fetched a lot of coffee but also? Assistant suggests she got her hands dirty.

Wreck-it Ralph.

1. The first character I first fell in love with I instantly fell in love with Ralph. A big, tall, guy Oh  yes please sign me up.
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now Vanellope. A kid who cracks toilet humor jokes voiced by Sarah Silverman? er…kinda ‘no’. But nope instead really well done. I stand with egg on my face.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don’t I don’t get the King Candy/Turbo obsession. I love the character but I love him because I is so much fun to HATE. He’s a great villain - he’s a completely unlikable villain who really gave the protagonists the runaround. Never seemed to me the guy who needed a hug.
4. The character I love that everyone else hates I don’t know…it’s very hard to hate any of them.
5. The character I used to love but don’t any longer I’m still new to this - not there yet.
6. The character I would totally smooch Oh I’ve a huge crush on Ralph. 
7. The character I’d want to be like  Calhoun is a pretty awesome role model. 
8. The character I’d slap - Definitely Felix…but he might like it.
9. A pairing that I love I think I could actually really get behind a Felix/Calhoun/Ralph threeway. I totally assume Felix and Calhoun have a BDSM relationship with boundaries and rules and they’d actually discuss the whole thing for a solid week before they brought Ralph into it. Calhoun is the Dom and she is super strict with Felix about safe words and boundaries and things. Ralph would ask a million questions before he went with it and that’s probably convince Calhoun it was  okay - Felix is a smart sub too - demanding but not stupid.
10. A pairing that I despise I REALLY don’t think I could handle anything with Vanellope unless the fic writer or artist aged her up.

Metalocalypse

1. The first character I first fell in love with: Nathan. Introspective character love isn’t the first thing that I think about with comedy shows about metal rockers but I can get behind a guy who doesn’t fit his body and has a problem admitting he’s wrong. 
2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Murderface. He crept up on me. I just wound up smiling and nodding when he talked about things he hated about himself or moments when he contradicted himself.
3. The character everyone else loves that I don’t Offdensen. I just can’t like him. In fact the only time I did was the extra when he was drunk. If he was a real person I’d respect him and be afraid of him and I think he’d do the same thing. 
4. The character I love that everyone else hates I guess Murderface would qualifhy.  Yes the man is a MASSIVE dick bag. But I can’t hate him. 
5. The character I used to love but don’t any longer I liked Offdensen a lot more at the start. 
6. The character I would totally smooch I think I’d kind of like to find out what all the fuss is about with Skwisgaar. I’m not a um…GMILF but um…I’m sure we’d be fine.
7. The character I’d want to be like  um…very good question. I won’t deny that I’d enjoy being a metal GOD of a vocalist but….actually Offdensen. Being in charge of the biggest metal band in history and he has a Captain Kirk chair (I WOULD GO THROUGH HELL FOR THAT) and also he has unlimited access to really good whiskey even though I HATE whiskey, the bragging rights…and cigars and he went to a prestigious University and he fences like a champ and HELL YEAH I want to be Offdensen.
8. The character I’d slap Toki. He makes me want to cry at what he’s doing to himself.
9. A pairing that I love Nathan/Murderface. I enjoy the idea that they used to hang about.pre-Dethklok. I kind of imagine they’d have lots of injokes and the precursor to them getting together would be 

Nathan: Okay so what’s the problem?

Murderface: Chicks are awful.

Nathan: Well you know when  you were cockblocking me when I was trying to get over Rebecca, a few of my dates were into you more than me. *cue long growl and long contemplation of the middle distance.*

*long uncomfortable silence*

“Okay fine, shut the fuck up, I’ll date you. It’s not a fucking date and you’re fucking not gay.”

10. A pairing that I despise: Never got Skwisgaar/Toki. I kind of understood it for a bit and then when Toki got all ‘I want to be lead guitar’ in seasons 3 and 4 I just couldn’t. 

As with the Dethalbum II, I had real hopes for ‘The Gears’ but I was just so impressed with some weird tribute that Murmaider II: The Water God did with riffing on Go Into The Water.

Same thing happened - I figured The Gears would be the favourite and same with Crush the Industry but neither one really packed the same punch without the background of a fencing match or Nathan and his money-destroying microphone (I need one of those. Maybe not to destroy money but blowing up SOMETHING white growling out Dethmetal would be all kinds of cool.) - I guess Offdensen’s presence can impact a song…

The actual favourite songs off the Dethalbum III was in fact Sky Hunter. It was cool to see a full version of ‘Impeach God’ too because that was one of the songs I was very disappointed never made it onto any of the earlier albums.

And I continue to be in awe of the rhythm guitar in like EVERY song because that has GOT to be (to coin a phrase) BRUTAL. If I were Toki, I’d be freaked out about my guitar playing ability too!

Because I can…

Charles Offdensen should have known that there was never a ‘sure thing’ with Dethklok. He was resigned that his latest efforts into cajoling them into working would proove difficult the instant he walked into Mordland’s sitting room where he came upon Skwisagaar, Toki and Nathan, glaring daggers at the television. On screenm, an attractive a woman with jet black hair and an inordinate amount of eyeliner was crooning into a microphone over a metal-sounding guitar riff.

“Well boys, soon as Murderface and Pickles arrive, I’m sure you’ll want to be getting on something seasonal. Halloween is in just a few—”

He was cut off abruptly as Nathan with an animalesque growl hurled his bottle at the floor, perhaps purely for the pleasure of seeing it shatter. “Fuck no, we ain’t doing that! Halloween’s gotten so…” He paused, a sneer twisting his features as he flung a hand towards the television. “…commercial.”

“Is knows! Looks ats this skanks. Can’ts even plays her own instruments. Pfft.”

Charles chose not to comment on the fact that Skiwsgaar did not sing and play at the same time either, nor did Nathan or any of the band at hand, except for Pickles.

“Yeah! Looks ats that skanks…but you knows, I says the candies ams pretty good.” 

Add to the pile a mental note to keep the sweets far, far away from Toki. The kid was practically a diabetic as it was. Charles sighed. “Nonetheless, you have been invited to perform at Music Television’s ‘Spooky Awards’, which would be a—”

“Pass.”

“—a good chance to —”

“Pass!”

“—a good chance to reconnect with other individiuals in the Industry. Dethklok has started to get a reputation as snobs.”

Nathan’s scowl deepened while Skwisgaar, who was well-used to being called as such, simply shrugged. Toki’s gaze flicked between the two as though he didn’t know quite who to follow. 

Having Nathan aboard was a good start though, Charles thought. The frontman could quasi-bully most of his band into doing anything he wanted them to. Murderface was a sure bet and although he and Pickles had had their differences recently, it hadn’t quite gone far enough for that big of a schism. He only hoped the plans would be finalized before any of them found out about…

***

Even the manager thought this was ridiculous, but not even a laywer as accomplished as him had room to complain. Dethklok was A metal band, they were the world’s most popular but they didn’t have sole rights to a genre. ‘Black Diamond Dust’, by coincidence the very band that Nathan, Skwisgaar and Toki had been openly mocking earlier,  was close to Dethklok in a subspecies of the genre only. 

Title: Nine Months

Status: Incomplete/Discontinued

Fandom: Metalocalypse

Rating: PG-13/R

Genre: Adventure/Drama

Warnings: Speculation and Spoilers for anything beyond Season 2/Season 3

Pairings: None, but if you squint at it REALLY hard and turn your computer upside down you might be able to see some Nathan/Charles if you REALLY DESPERATELY WANTED TO.

Summary: This story was started during the 3rd Season. However, I decided to abandon it when it became clear that we would have a real idea of what happened to Charles when the 4th season started and in light of a factual revelation, I disbanded the story. It’s actually not bad as a guess goes, but as the 4th Season draws to a close, I couldn’t in good faith fanagle all the new information into it.

This story follows describes what might have happened to Charles during the 9 months between Season 2’s finale and Season 3’s premiere.

Disclaimer: Metalocalypse, Dethklok and associated characters are the property of Brendan Small. Darren (referred to here as 577701) is my own character and doesn’t really belong in the Metalocalypse franchise - however at the time I was still trying to get the hang of writing him and writing him in other people’s universes was a good way to focus on his character rather than his world. But anyway, he’s mine.

Read More

Read More

Watch Breakupklok again.

Holy shit how awesome was that last episode?

Read More

Nathan’s voice happened because Brendan Small at some point in his life was asked to say something in a death metal growl and he couldn’t think of what to say.

I can growl (and have even written tutorials for women and people in higher vocal ranges in general to do it effectively) and one of the things I’m often asked to do is to demonstrate it. Especially if they’re Metalocalypse fans - “hey do a Nathan growl” 

…and I invariably wind up sounding like Nathan not because I expressly want to but because I can not decide what to say. 

So I kinda…: “Uhhhhh so um, I am …uhhh…speaking in a metal growl right now…”